blogin'

Most of my time is spent not knowing what to do. This expands through every aspect of my life, I’m far too indecisive to commit to trying things and I’m on my own throughout the week so I often find myself sticking with what I know, just endlessly scrolling through facebook videos of cute animals whilst still in bed until 2pm oops.

When you feel like I do basic things become more and more of a challenge, even getting dressed and washing up seem pointless now cause I feel like I’m just endlessly drifting through time and space and nothing matters and I’m so irrelevant in the context of this planet and that’s without even thinking about space and the universe and all the unanswered questions… And that’s how you end up hurtling yourself full speed into a crisis and breaking your brain for the rest of the day…

I’m currently out of a job - I would like one very much but for now it means I have a lot of spare time on my hands, most of which is wasted. I need to feel like I have a purpose to stop this. I suggested we get a dog to help but the landlord disagrees… I want to make a change and now I’ve put that on the internet I might have to stick to it.  

It’s not that I don’t have any ideas either, I just consider all my ideas a waste of time/effort/money before I’ve even tried which I know is depressing. But at least I wrote them all down. Here is a list I have compiled over the last month or so of things I have thought about filling my time with but never actually done:

• fix a fence outside because it wobbles (not our fence)
  
• learn to ice cakes like a boss 
  
• learn lots of needlework skills like cross stitch and embroidery 
  
• make an etsy shop and sell things I’ve made
  
• scrapbook
  
• knit a scarf
  
• learn to paint like Bob Ross
  
• walk someone else’s dog/s
  
• practice floristry skills 
  
• go to the burger and cocktail restaurant by myself and get hammered
  
• play PC games that I’ve already bought and just not committed to playing yet 
  
• bake a whole cake and eat it
  
• sit in a coffee shop with my laptop and look like I have important things to do
  
• finish sorting out the boxes from when we moved
  
• watch everything on netflix 
  
• try and find where the big park ends (it just keeps GOING) 
  
• finish a colouring book
  
• try a new fashion style or at least get some new clothes
  
• make loads of new playlists on spotify for every possible mood/situation
  
• try drawing again
  
• write a book (or at least design a character) 
• write letters to my friends who have all moved away
• learn how to paint my nails properly
• prank my boyfriend
• make pom poms and decorate the house with them
• go to the gym and get fit (lol)

I’m trying to get it right in my head so that I no longer think these things are a waste of time, they would all make me feel better and give me something enrich my days. Self care is always important and I know how hard it can be to accept that it’s okay to do these things that may at first seem unimportant and waste of your time. Time spent caring for yourself is never wasted. 

Maybe by the time I upload my next post I will have tried some of these things. It’s gonna be a journey… 

-b x  

For a little while I’ve been wanting to start a blog, well, kinda more like a diary but I open it up to the world. Going to start writing posts about things happening in my life, lets see how relatable this gets…

Hopefully I’ll stick with this.

Thanks for reading, 

-b